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How the States Got Their Shapes for one. bittergaymark When they are able to see the. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. He sounds like a domineering and boring person. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. Are you on Tumblr? I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. He let us put makeup on him. My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. But how are they supposed to co-parent and guide this young girl into being a productive young woman if the LW is only addressing her own behavior and attitudes? Nip . Required fields are marked *. The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. I honestly think both parents are at fault. Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. Whatever the cause, its important to try to understand why this is happening, and take steps to rectify the situation before it causes lasting damage to your relationship with your daughter. That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. Well, how nice for you that your 12-year-old daughter is interested in all the same things youre interested in! (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. I second this. And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. I still think hes acting out like a child. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. lets_be_honest He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. And musicals should be revered as an art form. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. Yes! :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), but it only means you need to step up and be MORE parental, which includes putting your daughters interests first. Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. But you know what? July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. Id love to tell you about the things I like. Shes a kid, with a kids sense of fairness, so that would probably be a good compromise, because right now, hes asking her to do all the changing. Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. Contact Us. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! Do not let that behavior continue. That said, its important to try to resolve the conflict constructively. July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. He also occasionally went to movies with us. Here are 16 ways husbands can unintentionally push their daughters away: It can be difficult to maintain a good relationship between your husband and your daughter, but there are a few things you can do to help. Entirely too much. Is it forcing or is it parenting? Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics. Unless you are from PA, of course. I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. Settlers of Catan! The kids moved away first then the ex followed them Needless to say visits with his kids are rare. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. a truly horrible driver. But mom, dont do the us versus him. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. lets_be_honest I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. as well, which is probably why this struck a chord with me. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. Why should your husband treat her that way?? July 2, 2013, 11:08 am. Again, no. painted_lady I was in bed, asleep. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. I was afraid the BS stood for something else. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. That was my guess too. No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. honeybeenicki I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. A museum or something might be a good start. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. But the show as a whole, awesome. For one mother, this nightmare is a reality, as her husbands behavior is pushing her daughter away. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. TONS of teenagers are interested in Buffy, Firefly, and (new) Star Trek. It will also probably be more effective if you can get your children to stand alongside you, at least during the initial intervention and I realise that will be hard. Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. Great suggestion! Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. Agreed. I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. Game of Thrones? July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. I have to agree. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? Make it easier for him to be his best self. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. She may come to appreciate some of her dads interests in time, but I hardly think forcing them down her throat is a good way to do that. He thinks it's ridiculous. I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. lets_be_honest Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. We were so thrilled. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. I know from personal experience. My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. Jake O'Kane: Is the DUP really going to sink the Assembly and reject the Windsor Framework? Some people say yes, a parent should love their child more than their spouse. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. Pull up plans of Serenity and compare them to the Space Shuttle. Nope, not from Scranton. I hated sitting through long sports games. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. One of my MILs (I am so lucky; I get three, FML) has a serious issue with me I mean epic butt hurt level, because I CANNOT do board games or card games. 6napkinburger You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) I know I did. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. So, so not like me. Tell her how much he appreciates it. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. Tell you daughter its important she spend time with her dad and why. She wasnt responding to the father though. My fave was Joey for the record. TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. Jordan was my fave back in the day. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. Shes all the better for it. She may still resent her father and you! I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. We all died laughing. My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. lets_be_honest Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. My dad probably had no interest in my piano recitals or spelling bees, but he sure knew how to act like they were the most important things in the world to him. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. I dont understand the amount of hating on fandom today. For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. Theyre a great way to get people who dont necessarily share a lot of common interests involved. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. Losing the . But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. Seriously? Parents can gaslight their children and definitely their daughters-in-law, whether they realize that's what they're doing or not. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. going to museums? I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. He was my softball coach for most of the 10 years I played, I LOVE sports, we have gone together to countless games over the years, just him and I, I go to him with any car/computer/cooking/etc question I have, I can talk to him about anything, I have always been his little girl (Not to say Im not close with my mom, I am) and that father/daughter relationship I had with my dad growing up, I wouldnt change it for the world. Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). Heck Yes! He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. Of course they have an us against him mentality when he acts like that. We watched Space Camp WAY too many times and tried astronaut ice cream together. Many things can contribute to this type of conflicts, such as personality clashes or differing parenting styles. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). Also, at what point does the LW start to teach her daughter that she should stand up for herself and her interests hate to think about the precedent being set that we must always cowtow to the man of the house. Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. bittergaymark Roll your eyes!?! I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. Please do try to give the same gift to your daughter. You dont have to love Justin Bieber and Broadway to just ask the kid why she loves it so much. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. I mean ever. I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. This mother needs to chill out a bit. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? Over time, you may have begun to feel a little desperate, wondering if there wasnt some sort of underlying game going on. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Its great to have an involved parent, but its also good to take a step back and take time for yourself and your marriage. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. In the past, every day held exciting discoveries about the one whose ring you now wear on your finger. My parents still make fun of me for a movie I wanted to watch when I was 8 because it was so awful. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). lets_be_honest So, encourage her to spend time with him. The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). I would challenge anyone who would suggest that the genre is a waste of time. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Intelligent people can like these things but does that mean that a father should promote them? While I do agree that you should be encouraging your daughter to share your husbands interests with him (and that includes showing an interest yourself), LW, I think a lot of this falls onto your husband doing kind of a crappy job at parenting. Um, not so much. My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult. Youre right, though. And if the mom feels this strongly about it and him interrupting them, I would bet that she complains about her husband to her daughter, which is not OK. Sophronisba oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! Id definitely address his eye-rolling and tell him it is likely going to drive her away, but I also think that if you make an effort to stop excluding him, you might find his behavior improving. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm. Hey, that kind of worked for me. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. Its already happening. PostedOctober 22, 2014 If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers.