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Case in point: my father is terrified of everyone he loves dying and leaving him alone, to the point where I, as a 32 year old, was expected to text him and let him know when I left work, when I got home from work, if I was going out, if I was changing locations, etc. One casino is the same as another, the food isnt as good as it once was (you have to go off-strip for the REALLY good stuff), and its crazy expensive. Oh, god, me too! I am sitting in my car at the airport catching up on AAM before I get back to life and guess where I came from? My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. asks from Lake Charles, LA on June 30, 2011. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. I mean, it isnt like he is supporting them. is a really good sign! He could use some time and a space where he could work through these anxieties with a therapist who could help him think of ways to handle them better. It also couldnt be. Im not necessarily that suspicious of the friends. If this isreally about more than the fear of cheating, it sounds like there arepretty serious anxiety issues in play here. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. Ive gone to Vegas for work and my husband just told me to have a good time and made jokes about what kind of stuff I might get up to while I was there because we knew Id mostly be bored and cranky with the work situation. But I loved him, and thought accepting his proposal would reassure him of my love and commitment. Also she is sole provider for family? OPs husband doesnt seem like he would have mentioned it if it didnt support his own opinion. So I get the safety concern. You dont ever want to put yourself in a position of relaying solely on his for financial support because you then lose the ability to leave if you need to. I think its fine for different people to have different types of relationships. It seems like almost everyone is misreading this update. Yup. If the problem isnt the one everyone jumps on, that means the LW get a lot of useless advice on a problem they dont have. And here we are, reading a letter from a woman concerned that her career will destroy her marriage because everyone told her husband so. I think youre right, but I think just as often people jump to an abuse/controlling scenario when it involves a relationship. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. A pregnant woman recently asked the internet for advice after her husband refused to attend any of their doctor appointments. Abuse isnt as uncommon as you think it is. If its cultural issues, OP may still benefit from help separating herself emotionally from the baggage her husband is carrying, and learning scripts to counter-act the stuff he has internalized, that is causing friction. Also, sometimes its exhausting to argue with an anxiety sufferer and you end up agreeing to get out of the discussion. Yeah, Vegas is like Disneyland now. Just like someone might look for a spouse who is athletic or smart or has a certain sense of humor or earning power, it might be important that FutureSpouse has the skills to share a household with the in-laws. Same here. P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. Like Winter says . Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. Itll be a cold day in Hell before my husband allows/gives me permission to do anything. Give yourself at least 45 min for each stop: time to change a diaper, feed, go to the restroom, maybe change a second diaper before you get back on the road. His income was mostly for his own frivolous purchases, my job paid the rent and most of the utilities (he paid his own phone bill and bitched about it nonstop). Totally. Marriage counseling is fine, but this sounds like HIS problem, and I think he needs to work on that himself if youre going to get anywhere. Your husband is being insecure (at best!). You just have to stop a lot--especially if you EBF. And the issue was never me, or our marriage or anything like that, it was entirely a him problem, his anxiety and fear due to an accident we had Christmas eve one year. It is NOT his choice whether you go! So its not like its all new. Ill be honest, my first thought was not anxiety, but control and maybe future abuse. This is not a normal or healthy response from a spouse, and it needs to change. I have a friend who doesnt drink, gamble, or smoke and Vegas is one of her favorite vacation places. And yeah, if one doesnt leave the primary resort where the conference is, almost zero worry of bad experiences/people. Either way, the fact that husband is freaking out and polling friends sounds like he, at least, needs to speak with a therapist, and both of you together would be even better to tackle this problem (the problem being his anxiety and the way its impacting your relationship, not the fact you need to travel). Also deploying the well everyone else thinks youre wrong too thing is a really immature way to work through a disagreement. You (both individually and as a family) need your income. OMG! See some shows, enjoy some good food, go on a nice hike. Both individuals will benefit from communication tools to use in challenging this kind of worry-filled thinking. Group Leaders arent expected to spend any additional time in the community, and are not held to a set schedule. Im going to disagree with your last sentence. Youve put your finger on one of the things bugging me most about this: the idea that the LW has no agency. OP, I agree with the prior commenter who asked about your husbands travel experience. Okay, I've been chewing on this for a few weeks. Because a healthy, loving partner does not do this. It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. The second I walked in the front door I thought this is exactly the type of place where the murder of the week happens in almost every episode. The only effective thing to do with anger is for one of you to walk away leave the house if you have to. She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. Doyou have any tips onbuilding trust, friendship, and respect with your partners family? And if you dont trust your spouse, why would you want to remain married to them? We had dinner at night and then literally went to sleep the moment we returned from dinner. Frankly, there are very few cities that can handle massive conferences and Vegas may be the only option for the OPs company. The worrying about her cheating leads me to consider there might be a problem with control/abuse, possibly. Dont get hit by a car!! Seriously, I grew up in Las Vegas. Same here. I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. The hotel was phenomenal, though! The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. I was thinking the same thing. I actually didnt tell her I got K&R insurance when I worked in the Philippines and had to travel to an area where nearby skirmishes were going on and kidnappings WERE a concern. :D. Naked Business Orgy in Vegas is what Im naming my metal-covers-of-show-tunes band. Are you ok with dealing with his overexagerations, accusations, and paranoia whenever you go for a trip by yourself or is it starting to get on your nerves. Of course shes going to say IM the one with a problem. My husband was recently sent to Vegas for a week on two days notice and my response was pretty much the same. I know that you arent the one with the issue, but just letting you know. Why would a husband not want to go anywhere with his wife? Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. This. A relationship problem is not necessarily a problem where both people in the relationship are doing something wrong, but a problem that affects the relationship. I go on business trips. She is doing the heavy lifting in supporting the family and yet he wants to control and damage her control. A few years back my older sister went to LV on a business trip with others. Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. And he, I think, talked that out with a therapist eventually. Im in business, so of course I know that a lot of conferences and normal things to do there, but its a little disingenuous to claim that a location that intentionally markets itself as Sin City doesnt at least have a rep for vice. I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. If yes, how does he handle those trips? The place smells like cigarette smoke. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! I did a few Vegas-y things, but mostly I found really interesting things to do while not working. I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. Which update is that? In addition to marriage counseling, he or both may want to consider individual counseling as well. My grandmother pays for the trip. When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. Seriously. If my husband were on a trip to Vegas, Id be fine with it, but if he were going with his coworker, Id probably want to tag along. Maybe this is anxiety and maybe it isnt not every illogical or inappropriate behavior is mental illness but mental illness is never an excuse to be controlling or abusive. 13 Worst Signs Your Husband is Emotionally Unavailable : Dont bring your kids to The Thunder Down Under that show doesnt have anything to do with the weather) but its pretty safe, relatively speaking. One of my biggest gripes about Vegas is that most of the hotels wont allow food delivery carriers to deliver to your room. Same. Not a single word uttered). When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. Id seriously question the value of marriage counseling at this point, unless hes willing to fundamentally change his views of his power over another adult. He would also get mad at my mom for not responding to his texts even when he knew she was driving somewhere. I thought my mom was the only one like this. I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. It could partly explain his reaction. Especially if as I suspect he doesnt have a position or isnt in a field where corporate retreats and meetings are a thing. There doesnt seem to be a whole lot of recognition of either here. If the wife approaches it as a joint issue, that demonstrates goodwill rather than blame, and is more likely to get the husband into the therapists office. I really wish people would take the time to think beyond their first assumption in issues like this. You (and a therapist) would know better. Hes gotten better over time, but he still guilt-trips me before I leave and makes sad noises about how he misses me so much and we never spend enough time together. People cheat in the tiniest of towns. Its just unacceptable. I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. travel to Las Vegas by themselves and with groups and for work and for play all the time and it is completely normal. I was just sure my wife and son were either missing or dead. Find an new therapist to go alone so you can undo all the damage that marriage counseling with a controlling spouse has done. should I tell my coworker about our colleagues criminal record, I deeply regret joining my companys leadership program, and more, my company is cutting my overworked teams pay as punishment for mistakes. And heres what wethink will help. He is not being reasonable or rational, so dont even try to engage with him as if he is. Giving the husband the most benefit of the doubt possible, its possible he rants and raves and his friends all go hmm, interesting. Not seeing any benefit in engaging someone whos clearly nuts on the subject. When I lived in Tokyo, articles would occasionally pop up in the U.S. media describing a particular neighborhood as an adult playground where foreigners fell victim to crimes, and well-meaning relatives would forward them to me with a warning to stay away from here, LOL.. The only time my husband would object to a business trip of this kind is if I had to fund it myself or if it was a conflict to another event on our calendar (wedding or family vacation). If you're able to, I would think about flying. Im flummoxed that a whole group of people would respond this way to a very normal thing like a business trip, particularly when presented with the reasoning OP outlined in the letter. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. There are also lots of cool little museums as well. Yeah, my husband takes business trips to Vegas multiple times a year. So, OP, if you take nothing else away from this comment chain, hopefully you at least get some calibration to your is-it-weird-o-meter. I agree that the OP should not even consider not going on the trip. Leave the argument and do that as consistently as you can. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. She keeps asking us (no matter how many times we decline) if we need her to buy us Amazon Fresh groceries. Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. You cant expect someone with a broken leg to ski down a mountain; you cant expect someone in an irrational state of fear to behave in a reasonable manner *in the moment*. He stresses less when I go somewhere urban. I should also note. Long term I also agree with everyone elses recommendations for anxiety screening and counseling. At work? I know Im a good driver, and that I can handle this, but every time you have these little worry fits you make me doubt myself. My knee-jerk reaction was to say, you dont dictate where I go, I was just out for a walk, for Chrissakes. Sometimes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas because it was incredibly boring, like three days of being in windowless conference rooms. I hope that isnt what this turns out to be, but whatever it is, its not good. Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. But general anxiety on this level is still causing them problems and will in future if he cant get it under control. Yep, and because the hotels make most of their money through conference bookings and casino profits instead of room rentals, you can get really nice hotels for stupidly cheap. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. I say go for it! I was admittedly super jealous when Booth got to go to Orlando because Disney World is a lifelong obsession of mine, but I didnt beg him not to go, or tell him that all the other wives I spoke to wouldnt allow it . Nikada / iStock. I know anxiety is a thing, but business travel can really suck- its exhausting, youre away from the comforts of home, etc., so to have your spouse making that worse is just so awful it would be a deal breaker on the relationship for me. I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. Plenty to do in Vegas besides gambling and shows! Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. I had to go to Vegas once a year for a few days at my last job and I hated it. And people loooooove the lotto tix here. And I really dont want to camp with a bunch of guys drinking beer, poking the fire and talking about cars (or whatever it is they talk about). I had a meeting at a school outside of the city and a friend was shocked that there are elementary schools there. Post author By ; impossible burger font Post date July 1, 2022; southern california hunting dog training . They all suggest you turn off your phone because thats what their friends do when they are speed-texting their anxiety. Sorry Sketch, that wasnt aimed specifically at you. I have the same problem and have since I was a child. The husband is acting like a jerk and the OP needs to figure out whether this is something/someone she can live with and whether he is capable of improving. I went for the first time over the summer. Especially as she is the primary breadwinner, shes got to be allowed to do her jobeven if it means travelling to Vegas. I dont think youre going to be able to use logic or rational arguments to rid him of any fears. Thank you for sharing this. I knew a woman who was very sincerely pious and churchgoing and lived her Christian values. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. This is part of your JOB. We have now been married 5 years and this is a thing of the past. If something written is thought to mean the opposite of what it says that is not reading, it is MISreading. To me, wholesome is about the primary purpose of the activity. Did you see the memo that was going around from Travis Kalanik of Uber (shortly before he was forced out)? He made her upset the entire trip last time. One thing I will mention about Vegas is that yes, like anywhere else, things can happen in regards to safety, but that city is so patrolled. We have been arguing and I just don't know what to do. Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. Go. Ifthings are still strained, wewould recommend setting upanappointment with amediator ortherapist who specializes incouples therapy. I wouldnt be surprised if he straight-up made that up in order to lend credence to his argument. But I come from a history of super-controlling domestic abuse situations, so Ive seen this behavior more times than Id care to admit. If you do this, he will *hate* it; I did, and so did my Mother, when I started doing this. If hes of the mind that the husband should be the breadwinner then it sounds like insecurity about his own career. Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. I will never ever return or step foot in an obnoxious casino. You could talk tohim about why hedoesnt want you there and see ifthere are any issues that need toberesolved outside ofavacation setting, oryou could simply ask him ifhed like you togowith him next time. For example, my wife likes to go for walks, and sometimes takes a scenic route while enjoying herself outside (She loves hiking and exploring in nature). Unlike other cities where the hotels and expo centers are spread apart dotted in among the rest of the city, the downtown area was basically built for tourists/travelers. But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. Nothing magical about Vegas. Maybe its the way he framed it to his friends, or maybe he wasnt being completely honest about that. Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. Hopefully this question to AAM will lead in the direction of help. Yall need some marriage counseling. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). You really really need to have those shirts washed in that way? If he refuses because everyone who goes to Vegas becomes adulterous instantly and HE doesnt want that to happen to HIM then you have a completely different issue from he refuses to let her go at all because He Said So. And hes trying to sabotage your livelihood with his nonsense? The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). Next time, instead ofgoing ontrips together, try eating out orgoing for apicnic. We live in an at-will dating society, where either party can end the relationship at any time, with or without cause and with or without notice. Your husband has insane insecurity issues. Anxiety is also a real possibility and I hate how offhandedly its been dismissed in most comments. Read: how could he know I was where I said I was? New Message From: MayaSubject: Iwent home after overhearing myhusband and his mom saying they didnt want metobeapart ofthe family vacation.Every year, myhusband goes onafamily vacation. Create an account or log in to participate. When I talk to my friends nowadays (still in Ohio, btw! Has the OPs spouse ever even BEEN to Vegas? I was fine, nothing weird happened to me, but I wont stay off strip again. Note to the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Bureau. Apparently the husband hasnt been to Las Vegas recently, because now its like Disneyland with slot machines. I am actually going there next week. I understand where youre coming from, but even if this is exclusively his issue, joint therapy sessions can help each partner understand the others perspective. Im so glad I made that choice. So Vegas actually *is* pretty scandalous to a *lot* of people. I had an ex tell me, just after I left him, that hed checked with his friends and they all agreed with him that I was behaving irrationally and crazily about everything I was upset about and had said was wrong with the relationship. Where I was originally from in Ohio, there are schools that dont have proms because dancing is considered a vice, and thus shouldnt be promoted by a school. LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. Hah. Being with a partner whose anxieties and irrational fears are put on your shoulders is not healthy, and thank god I recognized it when I did! You won't have to look over, sideways, and under to find out when new Magic Key sales will be open again.